I feel bad, this is what its come to, (im no better then ginger face)
Im stealing money out out my drunk mothers purse, (she wont notice)
just to buy diet pills/anti depressents/Sleeping Pills...all in one hell its not like im feeding a crack habit (this week)
Theres lots of things wrong with me. I just want to make it better, so i can be better
Last night was fun i couldnt stop smiling and its bleed through to today im still feeling pretty distructive.
Like urges i can control but theres one thats been absent all day and that makes me smile too.
But the thing is when i smile i dont look normal and happy (god forbid) i look borderline malicious.
One day soooooon Ill be branded with perfection but ive got a hell of a long way to go, so untill then ill jsut strive for semi perfection. that being 140
As most have noticed by now im slightly hyper/manic which makes this a wonderful episode of HypoMania... Tell me im not as polar as a bear will you!
When im Like this moments of Clarity come as fast as well, never mind hahaha
I also find that when im like this im so very evil and spiteful and Funny... well im laughing anyway
I feel, I feel Sick and Full and like I want to take a thousand sleepin tabs but ive only got herbal as im not trusted with the real McCoy, guess they had a Point .
Have you noticed the way i write, i have when im depressed its all ohh ahh emo and then some and when i feel anyting other im pretty straight 4ward
Some of the things ive written make me think others just make me laugh at how pretentious i am, with my stupid fringe and my thick rimmed glasses and the look of someone whos dog just died
I cant finish this its filling my head with white noise...
Friday 27 July 2007
Fatal Secrets, Half Truths and Full mistakes
Im weak and id rather be dead then be this thing that i am now, noone understands its a possibility but over a month NO i dont think so, i have no control and their seems to be no results. I cant take this. FAT POINTLESS USLESS. thats how i feel and unclean and like shit i just want to cry all the time and drink and eat.
I just need to talk to someone who will understand and not judge me for being a fat bitch with Issues.
Cant someone else just do this for me?
Im going tomorrow i cant stay here.
theres two songs that i can listen to constantly. Japanese Gum- Her space Hoilday &
Black Dresses - Spill Canvas
I dont know why but the second one makes me feel strange inside.
im spending a few days away from temptation, away from my home comforts, away from human contact and well worst of all my music. But it will be good time to heal and get clean.
"It's not like I'm a slut
Or that I really like to fuck
I just want every boy I see
To walk away with part of me
Until there's nothing left to hold
Until there's nothing left to hate
I appreciate your help
But even you can't save me from myself" Japanese Gum
"My secret is fatally gorgeous I'd die for you
But in this Bonnie and Clyde kind of romance Tell me what would you do?
My secret is fatally gorgeous I'd die for you
But when your precious life is at stake
Tell me would you die for me too?
The quivering liquids in your stomach
Will eat away at the bad habits that have made you
A real character in the story of your now distant life
Goodnight and goodbye, quickly, quickly " Black Dresses
I just need to talk to someone who will understand and not judge me for being a fat bitch with Issues.
Cant someone else just do this for me?
Im going tomorrow i cant stay here.
theres two songs that i can listen to constantly. Japanese Gum- Her space Hoilday &
Black Dresses - Spill Canvas
I dont know why but the second one makes me feel strange inside.
im spending a few days away from temptation, away from my home comforts, away from human contact and well worst of all my music. But it will be good time to heal and get clean.
"It's not like I'm a slut
Or that I really like to fuck
I just want every boy I see
To walk away with part of me
Until there's nothing left to hold
Until there's nothing left to hate
I appreciate your help
But even you can't save me from myself" Japanese Gum
"My secret is fatally gorgeous I'd die for you
But in this Bonnie and Clyde kind of romance Tell me what would you do?
My secret is fatally gorgeous I'd die for you
But when your precious life is at stake
Tell me would you die for me too?
The quivering liquids in your stomach
Will eat away at the bad habits that have made you
A real character in the story of your now distant life
Goodnight and goodbye, quickly, quickly " Black Dresses
Wednesday 25 July 2007
bob skeleton
So I'm here again back in the real world the place i try to avoid so readily.
Everything i do now only relates to myself. I have to/want to Put myself first why. Because noone else is worth my time.
Harry Potter, the book seems like its never going to end but i flicked through the end and i think i know what happens. I hate guessing and being wrong. My Tan is first and foremost my main priority I'm yes as well as everything else Tanorexic which makes me laugh. I throw myself in my garden with a week old copy of Kerrang and just bake like some form of beached whale.
My heart is in a state of disrepair and he doesn't give a shit that all the other "babes", "boo's" and Bitches rip out a little part of my soul already blackened and ruined with pessimism and disappointment. I love/hate you with every bone in my body.
I miss what ever mess it was i was in last year. so much less drama.
But we both decided without we would bet bored.
The talk over the last few days was of Pregnant girls and broken hearted mothers and well disowned sisters. none of it my problem but is at the same time.
Without me realising summer crept up on me and i welcomed it with open arms something about it makes me want to go home and make my mistakes on sand instead of concrete. they always seem better that way. But this year every thing's changed.
Ive got stories covering almost every inch of the lest side just because its not right or maybe I'm not.
this year I'm not letting a word slip play it cool and mysterious like a goth detective.
I may spend a few days in the dark wishing for the light but id rather do that then live in ignorance's and have no idea what it feels like to look into a mirror and only see mistakes and problems.
Ive been loved, I've been loathed but i enjoyed the latter. I'm not cut out to share anything and id rather do it all on my own but with someone holding my hand. classic contradiction I'm the Insecure First Born Daughter.
Ive lost my touch i started to feel. now I'm useless like a fat model.
Everything i do now only relates to myself. I have to/want to Put myself first why. Because noone else is worth my time.
Harry Potter, the book seems like its never going to end but i flicked through the end and i think i know what happens. I hate guessing and being wrong. My Tan is first and foremost my main priority I'm yes as well as everything else Tanorexic which makes me laugh. I throw myself in my garden with a week old copy of Kerrang and just bake like some form of beached whale.
My heart is in a state of disrepair and he doesn't give a shit that all the other "babes", "boo's" and Bitches rip out a little part of my soul already blackened and ruined with pessimism and disappointment. I love/hate you with every bone in my body.
I miss what ever mess it was i was in last year. so much less drama.
But we both decided without we would bet bored.
The talk over the last few days was of Pregnant girls and broken hearted mothers and well disowned sisters. none of it my problem but is at the same time.
Without me realising summer crept up on me and i welcomed it with open arms something about it makes me want to go home and make my mistakes on sand instead of concrete. they always seem better that way. But this year every thing's changed.
Ive got stories covering almost every inch of the lest side just because its not right or maybe I'm not.
this year I'm not letting a word slip play it cool and mysterious like a goth detective.
I may spend a few days in the dark wishing for the light but id rather do that then live in ignorance's and have no idea what it feels like to look into a mirror and only see mistakes and problems.
Ive been loved, I've been loathed but i enjoyed the latter. I'm not cut out to share anything and id rather do it all on my own but with someone holding my hand. classic contradiction I'm the Insecure First Born Daughter.
Ive lost my touch i started to feel. now I'm useless like a fat model.
Thursday 19 July 2007
Living for those random fights and the smiles that come with
what the arse is wrong with me, I'm so fucked up i feel so sick.
I have no idea what I'm getting myself into and i don't care really. I just want what i want and i don't know if I'm willing 2 put the work in.
I'm just shit. All of a sudden its gone a dark. its like I'm on a Sinking ship and i just don't really want to run off to be saved id rather sit on my arse and drown and then maybe it would be over at last. Its never going to stop. No amount of F.TV or Thins can help its never going to stop going in and going on i just don't really have any amount of faith in anything any more.
I honestly am Dead Inside and make up does so well to cover up the cracks that reveal the truth
Nothing feels Right anymore, Its all just Left. My stomach is hurting because i spent X amount of hours making up for a day of indulgence and then ate some curry and was upset because it hurt wen i tried to get rid. I hate the Fact that its Like a Bottomless Pit.
Itunes is on random so I'm jamming 2 sum seriously old/Random songs i forgot about.
The Guilt is so bad right now, on off topic i know that if i go to bed now i wont be up till 3 or 4 and then she's going be all pissed with me, Oh well.
I dont CARE anymore ive given up on it ALL or thats how it feels right now
The amount of time one person can used the works I, I'm and Going is amazing.
I have no idea what I'm getting myself into and i don't care really. I just want what i want and i don't know if I'm willing 2 put the work in.
I'm just shit. All of a sudden its gone a dark. its like I'm on a Sinking ship and i just don't really want to run off to be saved id rather sit on my arse and drown and then maybe it would be over at last. Its never going to stop. No amount of F.TV or Thins can help its never going to stop going in and going on i just don't really have any amount of faith in anything any more.
I honestly am Dead Inside and make up does so well to cover up the cracks that reveal the truth
Nothing feels Right anymore, Its all just Left. My stomach is hurting because i spent X amount of hours making up for a day of indulgence and then ate some curry and was upset because it hurt wen i tried to get rid. I hate the Fact that its Like a Bottomless Pit.
Itunes is on random so I'm jamming 2 sum seriously old/Random songs i forgot about.
The Guilt is so bad right now, on off topic i know that if i go to bed now i wont be up till 3 or 4 and then she's going be all pissed with me, Oh well.
I dont CARE anymore ive given up on it ALL or thats how it feels right now
The amount of time one person can used the works I, I'm and Going is amazing.
Everything looks perfect from far away
Can someone please drag me out of this grave I'm digging for myself, for if they don't soon i fear it may be too late.....
Why is it that i want to go to sleep but only for that, just falling asleep feeling when dreaming of you is Ok
Last night i had a dream that everything was still Ok and you were holding my hand, when i woke up i realised that i really fucked up this time.
I'm Obsessed with the song such great heights and the film Fight Club... I watched Green Mile the other day and i didn't even flinch (much). I officially Have no Soul or the ability to Spell anything.
I never Pick up the phone because im scared of Bad News Like a 3 bed in Kenfig...
I should Sleep, if do so in front of the mirror i may just dream that im on the other side....
Why is it that i want to go to sleep but only for that, just falling asleep feeling when dreaming of you is Ok
Last night i had a dream that everything was still Ok and you were holding my hand, when i woke up i realised that i really fucked up this time.
I'm Obsessed with the song such great heights and the film Fight Club... I watched Green Mile the other day and i didn't even flinch (much). I officially Have no Soul or the ability to Spell anything.
I never Pick up the phone because im scared of Bad News Like a 3 bed in Kenfig...
I should Sleep, if do so in front of the mirror i may just dream that im on the other side....
Tuesday 17 July 2007
Self Distruction is the only way to perfection
I had a fleating visit from Mia today, I think with time we could get to know eachother better. But for now bar any fuck ups on my part. we can leave each other alone and stick with my True friend... Who im not so true to.
Hahaha How bad does that sound.
Really very bad.
Its always hard and ive got to come to terms with this and discover my self restriction and CONTROL.
We talk but i dont think its her that i speak to, its always someone else. for names sake i wont mention the one in question.
When i talk to her im in the same place and she always brings baggage that im not strong enough to carry on my own. and she only comes to town when I cant do it on my own and when she comes along with her baggage she brings master plans and blueprints with pictures for visualisation and distruction.
You'd love her shes well pure evil. and im oh so very proud... Pride is never someting i have a problem with
im floating around a mark and because i am it just makes it easier to think of reaching my mtgw
which is 130 and atm im at well not 130 i think i was 170 but thats no too bade seeing as my Lt gw is 108 haha like thats ever going to happen right now it looks miles away but the day i can say it is the day i can be honestly happy.
and thats someting i cant wait for.
True and REAL happyness, but for now i'll keep myself happy with my girls surrounding me even though it gets really lonley sometimes.
Hopes and Kisses
Hahaha How bad does that sound.
Really very bad.
Its always hard and ive got to come to terms with this and discover my self restriction and CONTROL.
We talk but i dont think its her that i speak to, its always someone else. for names sake i wont mention the one in question.
When i talk to her im in the same place and she always brings baggage that im not strong enough to carry on my own. and she only comes to town when I cant do it on my own and when she comes along with her baggage she brings master plans and blueprints with pictures for visualisation and distruction.
You'd love her shes well pure evil. and im oh so very proud... Pride is never someting i have a problem with
im floating around a mark and because i am it just makes it easier to think of reaching my mtgw
which is 130 and atm im at well not 130 i think i was 170 but thats no too bade seeing as my Lt gw is 108 haha like thats ever going to happen right now it looks miles away but the day i can say it is the day i can be honestly happy.
and thats someting i cant wait for.
True and REAL happyness, but for now i'll keep myself happy with my girls surrounding me even though it gets really lonley sometimes.
Hopes and Kisses
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