Sunday 28 September 2008

Out there somewhere a cat cries, the sound is carried up through the window on the breeze

Hazy indulgent days filled with sex, drugs and lust by the bucket full.
alive together in freedom of spirits, languishing in wanderlust, touch and intimate emotionless anguish filled lovemaking. 
between bottles and wrappers, lines and thighs a sharp intake of breath rings out, clear silence among the noise that one moment frozen, like a photograph of sound. 
Warm and beautiful, sticky from debauchery and perfect moments. 
A room full of sounds but still silent. whispered conversations, laughs, moans, tapping, cleaning, clearing, living.
And somewhere in the background a television buzzes with eternal white noise turned down but still audible, a constant droning presence. 

In this space nothing matters, no life nor spirit draining problems "issues" harsh and violent words are irrelevant life is lived as if nothing matters but the present. The here, now and never. 
Smoke rises to the ceiling. Social hang-ups are put to rest. the world tedious as it is, is still. 

Every corner of the room smells like cigarette smoke and desire. fingers traces the length of a girl's spine while she lays with her own hands entangled in the hair of another.  

The number frequently fluctuates, people come and go. manic street preachers. when they cross the threshold they become one with the rest of the inhabitants. the room in itself is a white void that lives and breathes and moves to its own rhythm, everything outside it is finite. 

A boy sits in the corner positioned upon a pillow, his back pressed firmly into the joining walls
a leather bound book is nested in his crossed legs, pen poised between his ink stained fingers.
the nameless boy, the emaciated looking boy. wears worn faded jeans and a deeply thoughtful passionate expression. He gazes at and through the scene that is being played out before him.
and only feet away multiple bodies writhe and groan on a stained, sagging mattress. like the monsters and ghouls that stalked your childhood dreams. 

oblivious and aware of everything else that goes on, a group of people play cards, drinking gin out of jam jars, bottles and antique bone china. A voluptuous girl, no more then eighteen. clad only in a nylon slip; mixed-race limbs covered in self inflicted scars, wanders the room exchanging looks and sharing kisses. giving out parts of herself to anyone who will have them.
taking a drink from another occupant of the room, she joins a circle of laughing individuals discussing nothing and everything. 
 joint in nought but the ideology of keeping going until they burn out. 
The slow atmosphere of the room. time does not hold court here, nor does it weigh on the shoulders and minds of anyone within it. a clock sits stationary on a windowsill, the hands covered in dust; point to three and eleven and always have done. time has no place here.

Light beams down through the opened, un-curtained windows, dust particles filter through the air only sometimes highlighted by the suns rays. everything is given an other worldly glow an untouchable calm. Nothing more natural then concentrated substances.

the floor is littered with all that is imaginable; tea bags, spoons, tin foil, ashtrays full to brimming, a curling manuscript lay's forgotten under a chair, fag packets, plastic bags, a mug in pieces where it came to rest after being propelled against a wall with extreme force, silk scarves fished out of a skip, candles, four bunches of wilted carnations still in the polythene from the 24 hour garage, pot noodles, the television still buzzing, acting as a table occupies a space, resting upon it is a rusting birdcage, its paint peeling as it sits empty and silent, newspapers, an acoustic guitar and all manor of things one could find in a place such as this. freedom is everywhere, in the air, in the glasses, in the spaces between entangled lovers, in the pauses between sentences, and the space that exists between dangling legs and the cold hard wooden floor.


.....





(unfinished)

She Ran and ran and ran, then when she went home, she wished she had kept running

I dont have the energy to write properly
just want to get it all down so i know that it was today.

"My Life is falling apart again. Living with my depressive manipulative unresponsive father is killing me. my mother came up for the weekend it took them all of seconds until they tried to kill eachother. im 4 years old again Their screaming at eachother over my head and i cant say anything. now my father claims hes moving and i can do this shit on my own, and im a lazy cow, whos ruining her life and its all my mothers fault for not bringing me up properly when he was sitting on the other side of london pretending we did not exist. Now my mothers threatening to uproot the kids again just because my Father cant live with me."

Saturday 13 September 2008

Where the fuck is this so called support network

Im about to ship out i cant DEAL with anyof this anymore, its like im drowning

CUNT

Saturday 6 September 2008

only you understand

This old house is a part of you, inside it youve cried a thousand tears and laughed so hard that you got that aching in your ribs that one that you only get if you forget everything else and just laugh.
You can tell what every little creek means and you judgre how many steps to take in the dark, that piercing doorbell the would only wake you if you had heard it a thousand times, you know where each and every plug is and exactly how long it takes for the hot water to go from hot to skin scalding, you know where your the best sound is and where you can go and be alone.

leave it all behind and start again, its time to go

Monday 1 September 2008

The Routine

Putting my hair up and changing my underwear
getting out towels and kits from draws
walking to the bathroom getting bandages
Putting them on the bed and going upstairs
getting out ice and putting it in a glass
getting out the paracetamol and taking 3
Shutting the bedroom door and arranging pillows around the towels
laying out tools and embracing the eerie silence
deep breath here we go...
Rub the ice across my thigh just to get it wet so the salt sticks
applying the salt and pushing the ice down on top of it
Burning, freezing, dying ,numbing, Painless
tracing a finger along the thin line between the two different textures of skin
picking up a razor from where their layed out symmetricaly
is it new? how deep will i cut, how deep can i go before i hit something
the first is always the sweetest chooses a direction and stick with it
hot blood runs over cold skin and down onto the towels
as deep as i can until i cant go an further until the feeling starts to come back
picking up the cleaning kit and the saline solution
cleaning dressing and admiring the gash now holding pride of place just above my knee.
Crawl into bed, feeling satisfied and untouchable
until the pain hits and there's nothing left to do
but ride it out
Crawl out the next day unstable as a baby giraffe you forgot about this bit didn't you
dress around it wonder if you've bled through and consider the fact that you needed stitches
but you ran out of micro-pore and couldn't even butterfly it
This one will keloid, now the case is just healing and hiding
Changing the dressing and pulling off the scabs, back to square one again
Not baths or it wont heal, falling into old habits and thinking up a fitting excuse in case
someone gets to close, shut everyone while you have the chance


Now tell me you dont hurt yourself anymore