I'm scared that I'll never stop wanting you, never stop waiting for you to come back & fill the hole you left in my life & my soul when you blazed through it. I feel like an idiot for always waiting & always letting you back in my life. I'm scared because I let you get too close & now I'm vulnerable. I hate you for being with her. I hate you for being just like me. I hate you for not being here. I hate myself for hurting you like I did. I hate me for keeping that secret & I hate you for hating me because of it. I'm sorry I fucked it. I'm sorry for falling for you, I didn't want it. I'm sorry to the boys I'm fucking over because I'm still waiting for you. I'm sorry.

I don't want things to go back to how they were, I just want you to pick up the phone & ask me if I want to do something.

I'm angry, hurt, upset, disjointed, disappointed & lonely. First time I've said that in a long time. You said I'd never be alone but I swear to god I never felt so on my own.

Fuckers all of them.

I didn't think i'd be so calm when my father had his hands wrapped around my throat. I think he was surprised that I fought back. Shocker innit.

Guess it becomes a reflex when you spend your childhood watching your mother having the shit kicked out of her by the man she loves. I don't know what it is but apparently everyone thinks they've got the right to put their hands on me. This is very untrue. I'll give just as good as I get.

The sense of calm that I've got washing over me might have something to do with the gin I just downed.

She reckons I had it coming & now need to "go for a walk & calm down" Like fuck I am.
Trust man, broken in seconds.