What's on the cards?

Question:
School wise what am I doing? Should I stay at Brentford or should I try and go to college? If I stay will I get any work done or just keep pissing about? If I go will I be happy at college and will it work for me?

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Row 1: Seems you've recently had a feeling of loneliness lately. You're surrounded by friends and loved ones, but you don't feel they "get" you like they used to do.

Row 2: You're having to do a lot of soul searching at the moment. You're not really unhappy, but more restless right now. Things just don't seem to be going according to plan, and you're really not good with this.

Row 3: You've recently lost someone very close to you; a female that had a huge role in your life. You're coping pretty well, but it's sent you for a loop. Mortality hit you all of a sudden, and you're looking at what you've done up to now and thinking, "This just isn't enough. There has to be more." Only problem is that you aren't sure where to look for inspiration or even a starting point to help sort yourself out.

Row 4: Sometime in the next month or two, an opportunity will be presented to you in the field of design or fine arts. There's a very creative vibe I'm getting, and it seems to be the outlet you're wanting at this juncture. It's not your ideal thing, but it's a start, and you'll gobble it up without too much hesitation.

Row 5 (final row): This one's throwing me a bit. There's like a romantic yet not serious vibe to this row. What I'm getting is that you have a friend who will be a really important person to you in the next few months; but it will go beyond the normal friendship. It's a bit more intimate than that, and yet it's not going to be this huge commitment. You'll be helping one another through some events, good and bad, and just have this great relationship without fear of losing anything from it.
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It appears to me that it's someone that you already know, but you haven't been intimate before with them. It's more like you already have a decent relationship, but you're being thrown together in a way that allows you both to explore and grow at the same time, making the relationship grow as well.

extreme celebrity rehab

I'm feeling slightly unhinged and vulnerable. I have just learnt that addiction is heredity and then i've just asked Katy if she wants to come on a birthday binge with me.
I've written a shopping list, visa vie my last hurrah. one last dance before i'm officially an adult. I think it'll be fun.
I'm completely aware of what im doing and i'm doing it in style.
part of me feels like ive just scraped off my mask and its odd.
Fuck. well i only asked.

I refuse to let the mental Illness take over.

Well I no longer hear the music..

Is it cruel or kind not to speak my mind,
and to lie to you rather than hurt you?
Well I'll confess all of of my sins
after several large gins
but still I'll hide from you,
hide what's inside from you.

And alarm bells ring
when you say your heart still sings
when you're with me.
Won't you please forgive me?

But I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no

And all the memories of the pubs
and the clubs and the drugs and the tubs
we shared together,
Will stay with me forever.

But all the highs and the lows
and the to's and the fro's,
They left me dizzy,
Oh won't you please forgive me
I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no

Well I no longer hear the music when the lights go out,
Love goes cold in the shades of doubt
The strange fate in my mind is all too clear.
Music when the lights come on
The girl I thought I knew has gone,
And with her my heart had disappeared...

Well I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no
All the memories of the fights and the nights
and the blue lights, all the kites
We flew together,
I thought they'd fly forever.

But all the highs and the lows
and the to's and the fro's
They left me dizzy,
Oh won't you forgive me

But I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no

Music when the lights go out
Love goes cold in the shades of doubt
The strange fate in my mind it's all too clear.

Music when the lights come on
The girl you thought you knew has gone
And With her my heart had disappeared

Well I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no
And no longer hear the music

I make myself sick

How many minutes until midnight?

I've gone a bit introspective, unloved & emo(tional)

how many wishes do i still have left to fix the way it ends
how many princes will it take to put a girl like this back together again
how many instances can you point out where i was less than kind
how many happy endings do you need to change your fecking mind
and how much time do we have left before it's midnight and
you see that i was never the right size?

One sentimental summer...

I stopped dreaming of your ghost and you've stopped flashing across my mind at the one time it should be blank
but all of a sudden i've got affection for you again.
Be a cunt and help me to let go.


June. I wish.

"Why am I making it so complicated?"

I'm on the floor, not asking for much or anything at all.
a break and a cuddle maybe to get my leg over
This could all be put down to the wine and the Morrissey
Both things i love with great abandon.

Never will i relinquish my status and power over anything.
but sometimes i just need to be overthrown and domintated like a dictator in the county of Nella.

No acts of evil, no acts of good. Self gratification.
Sort your life out you silly cow.
Choose life? maybe? well do but dont.

I caught the gun, its what to do next that confuses me.

Resume

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

-- Dorothy Parker

"Talk me down, safe and sound. Too strung up to sleep"

-Common physical reactions include dilated pupils, dry mouth, loss of appetite, an increase in body temperature and insomnia.

-your mouth will probably dry, you may want to grind your teeth or chew the same piece of chewing gum for 8 hours.

-Your appetite disappears and you won't want to sleep. The effects of a small amount can last for 6-8 hours.

-Stays in the body for 2 - 4 days.

To all of you that matter.

For the late night discussions & the early morning cups of tea.
For knowing when i need Cuddles & Knowing when to leave it.
For trusting and supporting me & for telling me when im being a cunt
For the advice, laughs, drinks, stories, for the random texts & links to pictures
For keeping me up to date on everything ever
For teaching me to be a better person even when you're just being you.
And for being genuinly amazing...






Couldn't say fairer then that eh.

2009.

Without you I'm just me.