I've been hurt, angry, lost, lonely, drunk, sober, depressed, manic, bleeding and fuck knows what else but now I'm

HAPPY.

I have an amazing boyfriend and tbh I don't give a fuck about anything else because he keeps me sane.

Fuck all you hoes, I've stopped waiting for that dick and I got what I needed. Someone who really does fucking love me.

I'm scared that I'll never stop wanting you, never stop waiting for you to come back & fill the hole you left in my life & my soul when you blazed through it. I feel like an idiot for always waiting & always letting you back in my life. I'm scared because I let you get too close & now I'm vulnerable. I hate you for being with her. I hate you for being just like me. I hate you for not being here. I hate myself for hurting you like I did. I hate me for keeping that secret & I hate you for hating me because of it. I'm sorry I fucked it. I'm sorry for falling for you, I didn't want it. I'm sorry to the boys I'm fucking over because I'm still waiting for you. I'm sorry.

I don't want things to go back to how they were, I just want you to pick up the phone & ask me if I want to do something.

I'm angry, hurt, upset, disjointed, disappointed & lonely. First time I've said that in a long time. You said I'd never be alone but I swear to god I never felt so on my own.

Fuckers all of them.

I didn't think i'd be so calm when my father had his hands wrapped around my throat. I think he was surprised that I fought back. Shocker innit.

Guess it becomes a reflex when you spend your childhood watching your mother having the shit kicked out of her by the man she loves. I don't know what it is but apparently everyone thinks they've got the right to put their hands on me. This is very untrue. I'll give just as good as I get.

The sense of calm that I've got washing over me might have something to do with the gin I just downed.

She reckons I had it coming & now need to "go for a walk & calm down" Like fuck I am.
Trust man, broken in seconds.

It's not as if i don't know how the story ends but something in me longs & wishes that I could change the hand that was delt...

... to the star crossed lovers as they have been known. If at the close of the greatest love story ever told the lovers lie dead...

what hope can be spared for the rest of us? Together in death is almost not together at all.

does that make us better off dead if we are not free to love & be loved back just as fiercely?

fuck knows, i'm going to sleep.

in other news, i've run out of fags.

Ahem.

So currently there is;

C
N
J
H
&
N

P has recently been taken off the list as he had taken a lover
I'm only fucking one of them but contemplating the rest of them, they want me & I wanna be picky.

There has been too many to count.

I don't want to sleep on my own anymore. I want you back in my bed and back in my life. You or someone new.

Mock shock horror

I'm never going to get you to myself.