Funny how so much pain can inspire so much passion

Every act committed this week has been laced with a pain such as i never thought i would experience again, spasms and jolts of pure toe curling fist clenching blood boiling pain.
switching sides as if its toying with me trying to see how much i can take before i hold my hands up and walk down stark white hallways and tell the judge how much ive been drinking underage and what subs ive poured into the hollowed out emotionless shell im hiding in. my throat feels like ive had a dad size toothbrush down it and not known when to scream when, even if i can see blood and occasionally i gag so bad i think my twisted soul might run out of my mouth as well as the icelollys and self hatred i swallowed earlier.

i want to hold out my arms and scream someone please save me from this fucking pointless existence let me live your life for once let me crawl a mile in your jeans and see if your knees wear out faster then mine. The sun sets and moon rises and i see myself on a road and i walk out and lie down waiting for something to come and put me right and tell me if its my time to shine and face the ultimate liberation. Im no longer satisfied with the mundanity of everyday life, the soft warm and safe routines you fall into fuck them their not worth the bullshit their scrawled in on the hot tarmac that is your fucking pointless suburban existence, tell me please im dying to know do you want to watch tv or do you want to live, i NEED more then anything to run away and live some where hot and dusty where things happen and things dont where i can be alone to think and write and make as much noise as i see fit.
WISHING i had the option to pick up and take off with nothing but time on my hands, instead time mocks me like it always has, reminding me of what i havent done and how many seconds are in the rest of your life. but why dont i just do it then?

I dont want to put on the mask and massage someones ego that became damaged because they didnt get invited to a party i want to fuck off into the distance and come back in 10 years almost black from the sun with a couple of kids in tow and stories that will last a life time; from the rest of the world i want a lover in every port and tale as long as the list of my conquests. Elephants in India and all the rest of it. Happy and Healthy and Free to do what the fuck i want

FREEDOM alludes me nothing can be achieved if im chained to my shallow and false attempt to conform and settle into the spirit drained bullshit that others grow to love, have you ever looked into the eyes of a grown man and asked him if he could pin point the minute he knew his dream had died and been swept up and thrown out like Tuesday's left over pasta that his wife makes every week without fail, he will look down and tell you that he was once like you, young and hungry for sex and adventure and the unattainable but he had to work to cover costs because hes just to sensible to run on nothing, that job turned into a career and 2 years down the line he meets the pasta cooking wife, he is led to believe shes the one because his mother doesnt protest and that fact that he knocked her up might help...then long after the kids have grown up and the pasta cooking wifes dead, some kid with itchy feet and an excuse to run will ask him that very question and do you know what he will say? he'll say; "Its been so long now i cant even remember what my dream was" and thats how he let it die. He forgot to dream, every night when he got home he had so many things to worry about that that amazing limbo between awake and asleep that time thats meant for dreaming was used to ponder his tax return and what colour tie he might wear to the managing directors dinner next Wednesday and who was going to baby sit for he 4 little soon to be disappointments.

The last train from London to brighton leaves at 1am ive missed it by hours but im making a start school is all ive got tethering me to the ground when i so badly want to run, the shackles are scalding into my skin but i know in my heart that soon i can be somewhere i truly want to be not fucking about pretending im happy because i dont have to fight for a remote or pretending im happy that the person i trust more then anyone else in the world is so far away and that im happy with the fact i cant touch her when i need reminding that im real and this world that spins slowly around us only exists in the here and now which is unfortunately where were trapped until people realise that were all going to die we will eternally be forced to Be born and then die.


.

Rapid Cycling,

spending hours on the throne, and then gagging myself to death with flushes, i cant spell to days
im topping up with at least 16 today it may be more thats on top of the 6 i inhaled last night
agony is such a small price to pay, i cant help it its been consuming me for weeks getting worse and worse but this is going to be like all the other times and i know that because i dont own control which is all i crave now i sware to you i dont care about perfection all i care about is the control its getting dark now its enveloping me and im so happy about it noone could ever understand im running out of 5-htp so to the shop for that, charlie and anna

My head aches my mouth is dry as fuck, my head aches, my stomach feels as if its trying to escape but all of this is making me stronger bigger and braver i cant wait this will be bliss
wandering my old haunts and remebering how to make it all better
dontbreakdontbreakmyheartandillbreakyourheartshapedglasses. my spellings gone to fuck im rewrting words millions og times fucking hel.
things to do, bridges to burn hearts to cut out lies to tell and pills to take, i hope the choke me
gimme summint to make it all go away harder work then i should be

Now shes just a waster,

Now shes just a waster, letting it consume her as 20 becomes none

Theres an empty shelf, m heart drops and my eyes well up, this isn’t happening
Nothings real anymore, drop kick my soul and tell me that I Can hit the pause button,
Apprehension, fuck what happens now?
Its you call, wish some one would end this depression and let it all sag back into place
War paint and wasted tears, I dropped the ball and lost the slipper

Pissing my life straight up the wall as well as all my fucking money, will a new bag/skirt/tartan tights or a union jack to patch my jeans with drag me out of the fucking cavernous hole im bleeding into

Window licking, The condensation Kid

More stuff from when i was away
30th july 08

Im looking out a view that has mystified and inspired continuously, its not a mountain or a paradise lost, its man made and yet it still captures me. Time stands still and tears almost always fall. Just behind the chimneys and past the initial white lights is a sea of orange balls of energy not stars but moterway and street lights out there regardless of what the hell else is going on those lights come on without fail everynight. Ive never been more myself then when im perched cross legged in my grandmothers kitchen in baglan southwales.

Im sitting but somethings not happening as I should could it be the pint of green wine im swigging from or could it be the bone I just smoked popping the cells that enable me to write this, the sound of the rain and the endless intoxication is chilling but beautiful just as the spelling is atrocious spell check remains a figment and tool of those who need perfection at every turn,
Im driven today, drinking them dry and running through woods to smoke myself into this state

I cant help but to see bloodshot eyes bluring and blocking my view of the world.
Tonight I just want to watch it spin

Some things i scribbled down when i was away

29thjuly cant find a leg to break
“I’m all cut up, unsure, I don’t know what I’m doing, I need a good kicking and I need some help.” I live for Bilo

Four thousand miles from civilisation nothing left to cling onto but a laptop and a thousand dreams.
I woke up this morn in an Arcadian paradise surrounded by brambles and a view to live for but nothing took hold more then the urge to do one off the edge. Leaving to become wholesome and pure oh so scared and unsure all I can do now is twiddle m thumbs and wait for the skag man to appear.
Growing into this second skin and a union jack in my hair no more pride exudes from my person then it does the next, each and every tells a story.
Don’t let her in she’ll rob you blind, whets there left to loose.
Pharmaceuticals.

Eyes as dark as the continent accessorised with scratches scars and gashes tracing a fine line up my spine. My legs are purple and my hearts blue.
This word wasn’t made for people like me, its too real the metallic taste somewhere near my throat needs to be dulled with gin and promises.
I’ve broken mine and im hiding from the reality, this heavy head wont find a bed until the mistakes are made and the deeds been done. I wish had the strength you wised I owned.
Its kicking in and im signing out, the bile rises and the lids fall. Full on signal failure follows.
Dressed in pearls a flag and a frown I access the damage done by wandering boundaries and a wrong turn. All dressed up and no one to blow.

Take her out and show her a good time it’ll be her last, keep it rested and come back for more when you remember to down the bottle and take a bath to scrub the sins from a virgin’s skin. Here’s the money don’t find me until you can make me truly happy. I watched the sun come up with your ghost. Remember that you love me when you see it set.
Patches to combat one addiction and a bucket to ride out the next,
I need to feel you, I need to wake up with you I need to learn to trust you again before I swear to be yours. Tis you I love no worries.

“leave her alone she being a moody cunt”







I cant stand myself, I’m sorry for putting you through this