its almost over and i dont remember when i actually arived but right now im not sure if i want to see the next one.
its not that i dont want to live its just that i dont want to be alive, which is just the same.
im not sure if i know if im okay or not but really quickly ive become not if that makes any sense
I got a really lush msg from a girl i hardly even know but it was stunning
I feel sick and urgy so i know im going to end up cutting but fuck it its my fucking body not anyone elses and its how i deal with my shit
Look im getting angry now because i hate not being able to do what i want which is carve my body into a bloody mess and then take alot of medication and sleep till tomorrow or never even wake up again! i dont care much about anything apart from buying new clothes and handbags and being someone im not which i do very well!
I feel even worse because FO is shutdown
Im going to take some laxxies and get in bed finish watching macbeth and then not eat for a month and be happy because thats more important then anything else ever being happy ive been ok and ive had fun but really happy only a few times. at josies i was ok untill i gouged my arm and was drunk and urge ridden!
Wednesday, 29 August 2007
Friday, 3 August 2007
Headphones cant get this accross
Being alone never felt so lonley without you,
trees get cut down, read the age in the rings, they stand the test of time.
When i smile my face shatters, your the onlyone that noitces.
Put me back together just to break me again, your the only one that can do it right.
Keep running on auto pilot, Ill pick up the keys when were back
Loveisallivegottooffermaybeitsenough
ox
trees get cut down, read the age in the rings, they stand the test of time.
When i smile my face shatters, your the onlyone that noitces.
Put me back together just to break me again, your the only one that can do it right.
Keep running on auto pilot, Ill pick up the keys when were back
Loveisallivegottooffermaybeitsenough
ox
Being Irrational is hard enough without being scared of Nothing
Honestly. Word of the day. yet Honesty Is a thing best left well alone.
The hardest part of having stupid fears is admitting that their STUPID. Far from stupid and very real are my very own fears.
like children just ones that you'd rather keep locked in a cupbord or just under your bed. If thats not where the little monsters already dwell.
Abandoment The worst and most Horrific thought that crosses my mind when its cold and dark and I feel more so.
I love having time on my own because i know that theres always someone to comeback to. If there wasnt then, alone time would be pointless. No?
Honestly it scares me to be left alone for Long periods of time, Nights are the worse, some how the dark makes everything so amazing and more abstract but makes being alone a Hell of alot more Lonley even when there are people in close range.
The next one is alot more personal. Its well the complete and utter loss of my mental stability.
Its like teetering on the edge of a cliff and well noone wants to know whats on the other side. well i dont any road. its making me feel rather Ill to think about it.
Basically Im unstable and Insecure, whats new? Im just feeling it alot more today. Meh i cant be fucked to go into details
Im not writing in my normal fashion as im too busy watching Jo Brand Barely live, Im really into her this week. I read her book. repeatidly
The hardest part of having stupid fears is admitting that their STUPID. Far from stupid and very real are my very own fears.
like children just ones that you'd rather keep locked in a cupbord or just under your bed. If thats not where the little monsters already dwell.
Abandoment The worst and most Horrific thought that crosses my mind when its cold and dark and I feel more so.
I love having time on my own because i know that theres always someone to comeback to. If there wasnt then, alone time would be pointless. No?
Honestly it scares me to be left alone for Long periods of time, Nights are the worse, some how the dark makes everything so amazing and more abstract but makes being alone a Hell of alot more Lonley even when there are people in close range.
The next one is alot more personal. Its well the complete and utter loss of my mental stability.
Its like teetering on the edge of a cliff and well noone wants to know whats on the other side. well i dont any road. its making me feel rather Ill to think about it.
Basically Im unstable and Insecure, whats new? Im just feeling it alot more today. Meh i cant be fucked to go into details
Im not writing in my normal fashion as im too busy watching Jo Brand Barely live, Im really into her this week. I read her book. repeatidly
Saturday, 28 July 2007
I feel bad, this is what its come to, (im no better then ginger face)
Im stealing money out out my drunk mothers purse, (she wont notice)
just to buy diet pills/anti depressents/Sleeping Pills...all in one hell its not like im feeding a crack habit (this week)
Theres lots of things wrong with me. I just want to make it better, so i can be better
Last night was fun i couldnt stop smiling and its bleed through to today im still feeling pretty distructive.
Like urges i can control but theres one thats been absent all day and that makes me smile too.
But the thing is when i smile i dont look normal and happy (god forbid) i look borderline malicious.
One day soooooon Ill be branded with perfection but ive got a hell of a long way to go, so untill then ill jsut strive for semi perfection. that being 140
As most have noticed by now im slightly hyper/manic which makes this a wonderful episode of HypoMania... Tell me im not as polar as a bear will you!
When im Like this moments of Clarity come as fast as well, never mind hahaha
I also find that when im like this im so very evil and spiteful and Funny... well im laughing anyway
I feel, I feel Sick and Full and like I want to take a thousand sleepin tabs but ive only got herbal as im not trusted with the real McCoy, guess they had a Point .
Have you noticed the way i write, i have when im depressed its all ohh ahh emo and then some and when i feel anyting other im pretty straight 4ward
Some of the things ive written make me think others just make me laugh at how pretentious i am, with my stupid fringe and my thick rimmed glasses and the look of someone whos dog just died
I cant finish this its filling my head with white noise...
Im stealing money out out my drunk mothers purse, (she wont notice)
just to buy diet pills/anti depressents/Sleeping Pills...all in one hell its not like im feeding a crack habit (this week)
Theres lots of things wrong with me. I just want to make it better, so i can be better
Last night was fun i couldnt stop smiling and its bleed through to today im still feeling pretty distructive.
Like urges i can control but theres one thats been absent all day and that makes me smile too.
But the thing is when i smile i dont look normal and happy (god forbid) i look borderline malicious.
One day soooooon Ill be branded with perfection but ive got a hell of a long way to go, so untill then ill jsut strive for semi perfection. that being 140
As most have noticed by now im slightly hyper/manic which makes this a wonderful episode of HypoMania... Tell me im not as polar as a bear will you!
When im Like this moments of Clarity come as fast as well, never mind hahaha
I also find that when im like this im so very evil and spiteful and Funny... well im laughing anyway
I feel, I feel Sick and Full and like I want to take a thousand sleepin tabs but ive only got herbal as im not trusted with the real McCoy, guess they had a Point .
Have you noticed the way i write, i have when im depressed its all ohh ahh emo and then some and when i feel anyting other im pretty straight 4ward
Some of the things ive written make me think others just make me laugh at how pretentious i am, with my stupid fringe and my thick rimmed glasses and the look of someone whos dog just died
I cant finish this its filling my head with white noise...
Friday, 27 July 2007
Fatal Secrets, Half Truths and Full mistakes
Im weak and id rather be dead then be this thing that i am now, noone understands its a possibility but over a month NO i dont think so, i have no control and their seems to be no results. I cant take this. FAT POINTLESS USLESS. thats how i feel and unclean and like shit i just want to cry all the time and drink and eat.
I just need to talk to someone who will understand and not judge me for being a fat bitch with Issues.
Cant someone else just do this for me?
Im going tomorrow i cant stay here.
theres two songs that i can listen to constantly. Japanese Gum- Her space Hoilday &
Black Dresses - Spill Canvas
I dont know why but the second one makes me feel strange inside.
im spending a few days away from temptation, away from my home comforts, away from human contact and well worst of all my music. But it will be good time to heal and get clean.
"It's not like I'm a slut
Or that I really like to fuck
I just want every boy I see
To walk away with part of me
Until there's nothing left to hold
Until there's nothing left to hate
I appreciate your help
But even you can't save me from myself" Japanese Gum
"My secret is fatally gorgeous I'd die for you
But in this Bonnie and Clyde kind of romance Tell me what would you do?
My secret is fatally gorgeous I'd die for you
But when your precious life is at stake
Tell me would you die for me too?
The quivering liquids in your stomach
Will eat away at the bad habits that have made you
A real character in the story of your now distant life
Goodnight and goodbye, quickly, quickly " Black Dresses
I just need to talk to someone who will understand and not judge me for being a fat bitch with Issues.
Cant someone else just do this for me?
Im going tomorrow i cant stay here.
theres two songs that i can listen to constantly. Japanese Gum- Her space Hoilday &
Black Dresses - Spill Canvas
I dont know why but the second one makes me feel strange inside.
im spending a few days away from temptation, away from my home comforts, away from human contact and well worst of all my music. But it will be good time to heal and get clean.
"It's not like I'm a slut
Or that I really like to fuck
I just want every boy I see
To walk away with part of me
Until there's nothing left to hold
Until there's nothing left to hate
I appreciate your help
But even you can't save me from myself" Japanese Gum
"My secret is fatally gorgeous I'd die for you
But in this Bonnie and Clyde kind of romance Tell me what would you do?
My secret is fatally gorgeous I'd die for you
But when your precious life is at stake
Tell me would you die for me too?
The quivering liquids in your stomach
Will eat away at the bad habits that have made you
A real character in the story of your now distant life
Goodnight and goodbye, quickly, quickly " Black Dresses
Wednesday, 25 July 2007
bob skeleton
So I'm here again back in the real world the place i try to avoid so readily.
Everything i do now only relates to myself. I have to/want to Put myself first why. Because noone else is worth my time.
Harry Potter, the book seems like its never going to end but i flicked through the end and i think i know what happens. I hate guessing and being wrong. My Tan is first and foremost my main priority I'm yes as well as everything else Tanorexic which makes me laugh. I throw myself in my garden with a week old copy of Kerrang and just bake like some form of beached whale.
My heart is in a state of disrepair and he doesn't give a shit that all the other "babes", "boo's" and Bitches rip out a little part of my soul already blackened and ruined with pessimism and disappointment. I love/hate you with every bone in my body.
I miss what ever mess it was i was in last year. so much less drama.
But we both decided without we would bet bored.
The talk over the last few days was of Pregnant girls and broken hearted mothers and well disowned sisters. none of it my problem but is at the same time.
Without me realising summer crept up on me and i welcomed it with open arms something about it makes me want to go home and make my mistakes on sand instead of concrete. they always seem better that way. But this year every thing's changed.
Ive got stories covering almost every inch of the lest side just because its not right or maybe I'm not.
this year I'm not letting a word slip play it cool and mysterious like a goth detective.
I may spend a few days in the dark wishing for the light but id rather do that then live in ignorance's and have no idea what it feels like to look into a mirror and only see mistakes and problems.
Ive been loved, I've been loathed but i enjoyed the latter. I'm not cut out to share anything and id rather do it all on my own but with someone holding my hand. classic contradiction I'm the Insecure First Born Daughter.
Ive lost my touch i started to feel. now I'm useless like a fat model.
Everything i do now only relates to myself. I have to/want to Put myself first why. Because noone else is worth my time.
Harry Potter, the book seems like its never going to end but i flicked through the end and i think i know what happens. I hate guessing and being wrong. My Tan is first and foremost my main priority I'm yes as well as everything else Tanorexic which makes me laugh. I throw myself in my garden with a week old copy of Kerrang and just bake like some form of beached whale.
My heart is in a state of disrepair and he doesn't give a shit that all the other "babes", "boo's" and Bitches rip out a little part of my soul already blackened and ruined with pessimism and disappointment. I love/hate you with every bone in my body.
I miss what ever mess it was i was in last year. so much less drama.
But we both decided without we would bet bored.
The talk over the last few days was of Pregnant girls and broken hearted mothers and well disowned sisters. none of it my problem but is at the same time.
Without me realising summer crept up on me and i welcomed it with open arms something about it makes me want to go home and make my mistakes on sand instead of concrete. they always seem better that way. But this year every thing's changed.
Ive got stories covering almost every inch of the lest side just because its not right or maybe I'm not.
this year I'm not letting a word slip play it cool and mysterious like a goth detective.
I may spend a few days in the dark wishing for the light but id rather do that then live in ignorance's and have no idea what it feels like to look into a mirror and only see mistakes and problems.
Ive been loved, I've been loathed but i enjoyed the latter. I'm not cut out to share anything and id rather do it all on my own but with someone holding my hand. classic contradiction I'm the Insecure First Born Daughter.
Ive lost my touch i started to feel. now I'm useless like a fat model.
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