August....

its almost over and i dont remember when i actually arived but right now im not sure if i want to see the next one.
its not that i dont want to live its just that i dont want to be alive, which is just the same.
im not sure if i know if im okay or not but really quickly ive become not if that makes any sense
I got a really lush msg from a girl i hardly even know but it was stunning
I feel sick and urgy so i know im going to end up cutting but fuck it its my fucking body not anyone elses and its how i deal with my shit
Look im getting angry now because i hate not being able to do what i want which is carve my body into a bloody mess and then take alot of medication and sleep till tomorrow or never even wake up again! i dont care much about anything apart from buying new clothes and handbags and being someone im not which i do very well!
I feel even worse because FO is shutdown
Im going to take some laxxies and get in bed finish watching macbeth and then not eat for a month and be happy because thats more important then anything else ever being happy ive been ok and ive had fun but really happy only a few times. at josies i was ok untill i gouged my arm and was drunk and urge ridden!