Rapid Cycling,

spending hours on the throne, and then gagging myself to death with flushes, i cant spell to days
im topping up with at least 16 today it may be more thats on top of the 6 i inhaled last night
agony is such a small price to pay, i cant help it its been consuming me for weeks getting worse and worse but this is going to be like all the other times and i know that because i dont own control which is all i crave now i sware to you i dont care about perfection all i care about is the control its getting dark now its enveloping me and im so happy about it noone could ever understand im running out of 5-htp so to the shop for that, charlie and anna

My head aches my mouth is dry as fuck, my head aches, my stomach feels as if its trying to escape but all of this is making me stronger bigger and braver i cant wait this will be bliss
wandering my old haunts and remebering how to make it all better
dontbreakdontbreakmyheartandillbreakyourheartshapedglasses. my spellings gone to fuck im rewrting words millions og times fucking hel.
things to do, bridges to burn hearts to cut out lies to tell and pills to take, i hope the choke me
gimme summint to make it all go away harder work then i should be

Now shes just a waster,

Now shes just a waster, letting it consume her as 20 becomes none

Theres an empty shelf, m heart drops and my eyes well up, this isn’t happening
Nothings real anymore, drop kick my soul and tell me that I Can hit the pause button,
Apprehension, fuck what happens now?
Its you call, wish some one would end this depression and let it all sag back into place
War paint and wasted tears, I dropped the ball and lost the slipper

Pissing my life straight up the wall as well as all my fucking money, will a new bag/skirt/tartan tights or a union jack to patch my jeans with drag me out of the fucking cavernous hole im bleeding into

Window licking, The condensation Kid

More stuff from when i was away
30th july 08

Im looking out a view that has mystified and inspired continuously, its not a mountain or a paradise lost, its man made and yet it still captures me. Time stands still and tears almost always fall. Just behind the chimneys and past the initial white lights is a sea of orange balls of energy not stars but moterway and street lights out there regardless of what the hell else is going on those lights come on without fail everynight. Ive never been more myself then when im perched cross legged in my grandmothers kitchen in baglan southwales.

Im sitting but somethings not happening as I should could it be the pint of green wine im swigging from or could it be the bone I just smoked popping the cells that enable me to write this, the sound of the rain and the endless intoxication is chilling but beautiful just as the spelling is atrocious spell check remains a figment and tool of those who need perfection at every turn,
Im driven today, drinking them dry and running through woods to smoke myself into this state

I cant help but to see bloodshot eyes bluring and blocking my view of the world.
Tonight I just want to watch it spin

Some things i scribbled down when i was away

29thjuly cant find a leg to break
“I’m all cut up, unsure, I don’t know what I’m doing, I need a good kicking and I need some help.” I live for Bilo

Four thousand miles from civilisation nothing left to cling onto but a laptop and a thousand dreams.
I woke up this morn in an Arcadian paradise surrounded by brambles and a view to live for but nothing took hold more then the urge to do one off the edge. Leaving to become wholesome and pure oh so scared and unsure all I can do now is twiddle m thumbs and wait for the skag man to appear.
Growing into this second skin and a union jack in my hair no more pride exudes from my person then it does the next, each and every tells a story.
Don’t let her in she’ll rob you blind, whets there left to loose.
Pharmaceuticals.

Eyes as dark as the continent accessorised with scratches scars and gashes tracing a fine line up my spine. My legs are purple and my hearts blue.
This word wasn’t made for people like me, its too real the metallic taste somewhere near my throat needs to be dulled with gin and promises.
I’ve broken mine and im hiding from the reality, this heavy head wont find a bed until the mistakes are made and the deeds been done. I wish had the strength you wised I owned.
Its kicking in and im signing out, the bile rises and the lids fall. Full on signal failure follows.
Dressed in pearls a flag and a frown I access the damage done by wandering boundaries and a wrong turn. All dressed up and no one to blow.

Take her out and show her a good time it’ll be her last, keep it rested and come back for more when you remember to down the bottle and take a bath to scrub the sins from a virgin’s skin. Here’s the money don’t find me until you can make me truly happy. I watched the sun come up with your ghost. Remember that you love me when you see it set.
Patches to combat one addiction and a bucket to ride out the next,
I need to feel you, I need to wake up with you I need to learn to trust you again before I swear to be yours. Tis you I love no worries.

“leave her alone she being a moody cunt”







I cant stand myself, I’m sorry for putting you through this

Frozen in Motion; This ones for you

The words on the page are all i can offer you.
The wind is dragging me in every direction it can Fathom.
Splitting myself in 2 would be ideal but its horribly unrealistic.
I made a fucking decision, guessing i made the wrong one, right...?
The end is Nigh, this era is over and the new one is hiding. Im not ready for this
Loosing out and loosing you are all im worried about,
I dont want to be afraid,
The ones to please are 10 to the pound...

Nothing lasts forever, Look at the boys they cant even share an article let alone a stage,
how the fuck are we to manage.

Im not finding the answers to anything at the bottom of this Glass, just like i know their not hiding under your bed or writhing under my boots, their not going to come in the pockets of army jackets or at the end of any black and grey rainbow.
Im breaking hearts and Im Loosing the energy to keep putting up this fight.
The world outside my window leaves me speachless, my world behind closed doors is crumbling.

Hold me up, Dont Drag me Down.

"stay clean for me, stay Healthy and stay Happy, I'll watch the clock and count the days. I cant wait to see you at the gate, whats happened has happened look at the future its fucking technicolour. Just trust me Please"

Im sorry if i let you down, just dont expect too much and you wont get disapointed.
ilysfm

Growing Pangs

I'm like a house built of matches positioned on the tip of the white cliffs of Dover.

Pretty much every ounce of stability has left my life, even my bodys decided to turn against me.
Ive never thought id say it but im craving stability...and i miss coming home to a house full of people.
I dont even know where im staying next week let alone what uni i want to go to.
Im having issues even deciding on whether im even going to get out of bed of an afternoon.
i cant even commit to a healthy nicotine/drink habit.
Ive lost my mother, my best mate, my little brothers, my stability and what feels like everything else in one fail swoop, their only 200 miles away but to write the words Two hundred miles makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.
Coping with anything at ALL it murder quite actually today in fact i was face with a life changing decision of whether to leave the pub and come home or not... FUCK WHAT A DILEMMA
how the hell is one such as this supposed to live on my own.
I have to grow up and i shitting bricks my brains going
~ "AHH FUCK SHIT AHHH BASTARD CUNT WHORE SLAG WHORE" ~
I cant deal with it, ive just started on my break down, i feel as if im pushing everyone away
which i am.. i just need to be on my own alot at the moment but im avoiding even aproaching entertaining thinking about anything.
The I count on this post is through the roof... Not caring, Not Caring Not Caring LALALALA.
Ive never felt so alone, this is awful. The water works are fast aproaching.
I dont want to grow up i dont want to leave the nest.
Im always to be a child. I have Pink hair

Mountains, Hills and Peeks, Valleys and Tower Blocks

There's a House in south wales that's taking precedence over something you would think a woman would never let get behind
There's a life in south wales that is a haven, somewhere for the woman to run to.
"Its all going to be so much better"
That's impossible as your going to be there, ever wondered why everything you've ever done has gone wrong
ill tell you why for nothing, this piece of profound information comes for free.
Its because your there.
The same woman has dragged the girl through all of her shit leaving her grown up and alone. Stunted her growth by making her clean the woman's wounds and sweep up the broken glass, hold her when she couldn't stand.
Now that's all changed, the monster from within the both of their lives has gone leaving a gaping hole in the wall, now all who pass can see straight through them.
A decision has been made not a joint one but a decision none the less, She all grown up and horror free the woman has decided that she no longer needs the girl all she needs is a clean break.
Shattering the girls world into thousands of pieces and taking it all away.
Now the girl cant stand and there's no one there to catch her before she falls. There's no one there to answer her cries and there's no one there to sweep up her tears of glass