Birds can Fly So High....

Its happening all over again...Here's Some Proof. I wrote this a Year ago Today.
I'm apologising for it already I haven't read it all yet.
06-12-2006

"wow i went mad last night the s&i is like wow i love it it hurts a little bit but its just fun n the way the hole look is wow and then it goes numb and i cut n i went deep like my deepest yet n now the burns are bruises n the ones with cuts r fucking killing n I'm limping n shit wow its scary n i fink mums gonna notice but i know she wont i was looking at my arm yesterday it was really fatty n gooey n still bleeding a bit it mite need stitches but its too late for it now n tonight i will find a nu method or place or just try n go as deep as i can n see wot happens but I'm still using the same blade i was using 2 days ago its so sharp n its not even a little bit blunt yet i love These blades but i am running out of micro pore n i may have 2 run 2 superdrugs 4 sum in a quick bit soo yea im jus lookin 4 a nu meth but i gotta be well careful bout infection n dat but atm ive gt 5 burns 4 with cuts 1 with out n den da arm so im not 2 bad im jus walkin like an old dude!!!! my legs r lookin off key but still ......arghhhhh SHES HYPER AS A BITCH
ok so do i cut toda wid all the pain im in but i wanna cut everyday for a week jus this week 2 prove im not as lazy as i fink mummy spoke 2 Miss g 2day bout y i wasn't in n dat she want 2 kno if i wanna do my exams in a nuva room but im not sure maybe i do but im overly unsure
i dnt fink cai is speakin 2 me but fuck dem i dont need no1 im fab n ok as i am she says before she rips in2 her skin with her blade will wb bout exam and ect lollll"

Reading it made me think i was losing it then but yet i still managed to hold it all together some how... I know that it always gets better but then again what if this time it wont....

Last year when i got sick i just cut everyone off and this time i might have to do it again, i havent killed myself yet no matter how mental i sounded...reading it now made me think MANIC
I was 15..but...now im 16 and it makes no difference, ive grown up but yet i dont want to at all.
Im still cutting but so what, to me it makes no difference.
I Knew i wasnt okay...but now im even less so but maybe im better then i was...
Im as alone now as i was then...My friends are Suffocating me i need to run away and be free
I Love them but its me...so i dont know why i feel guilty about it.
Ive had the cuts that i talked about for a year but now their scars Big ugly and horrific...I love them, they calm me down when i need it like now.
I cant stay on this computer tonight no matter how much i want to...

(Ive trig warned this for my own benefit)

What we have here is a dreamer

Dear Santa,
This year for Christmas i want to slow it all down so i can watch it pass me by.
i want higher serotonin levels and to be taken seriously by someone who truly matters
what i want doesnt matter but what i need is in the same boat...an its headed for the rocks
just like everything else.
Santa, why do you insist in puttin me through the same shit as you did last year.
why?
I could feel it coming but what did you expect me to do...
You cant run away from your own head as much as you want to.
I need to be able to close my eyes and have a reason to open them again.
save me? from who? isnt it obvious...Myself


please

"No Name"

Some days songs about the way boys tastes just don't cut it.
Today and everyday after it are all the same and its up to a Hopeless Case to change it.
Maybe she just cant sleep anymore, maybe she just wont eat anymore.
Notice me then run. I don't want to be noticed anymore let me fade for a while.
Sick of being the whore and the Let down.
Do you love me despite my Imperfections which outnumber the perfections or is it because of them??
I'm not sure which is worse. I don't want to be figured out anymore.
I can crash and Burn on my own but then who would spread the word??
I'm still the same person i was a year ago, just less Scared and Scared.
Only the stuff on the outsides changed. I Thought doing that would change the way i looked at the world.
Really it just changed the way the world looked at and judged me.
"!You can only names something your sure about"

It could be worse, I could be taking you there with me.

I might just be getting used to it but im really not sure if a full nights sleep is worth feeling like shit constantly its like im tipsy but not. but that might just be down to not wearing my glasses.
Ive got a really bad pain in my ribs and im being horrific to everyone and i fucking cant stand it.
In was in such a good mood yesterday but now its like im just not. that makes sense and dosent a the same time. sigh
Im giving it time to adjust to me or should that be the other way? Hmm
Im not sure what to do because these AD's arent even for my depression and im feeling worse after two bloody days. Foggy and disorentated are the perfect words to discribe how i feeland not forgetting anti-social.
More cloudy and -4 then sunny and 65 up here right now.

Music is the blood that runs through my veins, cut me open and watch the melodies flow.

egrov';kg;erjgil

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Its like i said.... it hurts way more



fuckin hell.... i want to fuckin die

Its a Rather Emo day

I Keep having dreams about people dying im not scared to die im just scared to be left on my own that would be worse then anything else.
Feeling Like shit but this time its sick not dead. maming movements for the better
Im Not quite sure what im thinking or feeling or anything.
I Know a few things that i never forget no matter what.
Everything i wish for will never come true, meaning that im fucked either way.
How positive.
Im not in a talking mood not even with myself i only end up starting an Fight.
Thats just who i am these days, i think it might be the fever but something is deffo not right in My world, it may be the fact that one by one everyone that means shit to me fucks off and leaves me on my lonesome.
Im over this shit, i want what i want and somehow i WILL get it! (I Hope and i honestly do mean that)

Putting Kisses into context...

The nightmares are back with avengance how many more nights am i going to have to put up with them, i cant remember the night before last but last nights just seems to keep clinging on.

started randomly and i cant remember most of it mainly just, an inspiration and a street then voices from the sky and it was horrific.

I honestly wanted to go and get back in bed with my mother like in was 6 again forgetting that 6 adult size people can hardly fit in a queen size bed. I just wish i could.

Last night devoid of all time and space i was scared for someone who isn't myself, which is what makes it scary
No?

What if someone did, what if i did. I'm making empty threats to myself.
My mouths writing cheques my mind i cant cash. Story of my life.

Felt like a wake up call from the universe telling me to "fix up and look sharp" in so many words.

I'm loosing sleep due tho the face Ive realised its not all about me something Ive been denying for the last 16 years. I just want to know why their back. telling people is the first but no one really understands that its harder then it looks and you've got to be there to understand how truly frightening the fucking dreams are.

Im getting better and worse steadily i hate it. i am a thousand percent on my own but surrounded by people who love me, saying i love them would make me sound pretentious something i try my hardest no to do.

I wrote 4 A4 sides the otherday took me about an hour i wasnt to bothered that i missed holyoaks but fuck it. i dont care. living in my own box not a bell jar just a cage created by the caged,
Freeanddumb 90% of the population i dont like politics or making statements about thing that im not informed about but i do hjave to say something when people waste their lives moaning about age and ect when people are dying on the otherside of the world due to war and famine its fucking out of order.

Enough ranting for one day, kore regressing tonight no doubt