PARANOID
as in i think im

A hypodermic needle

Always knew it was possible
slipping through the hands of inevitability
On the part of the Harlot played by one with such role experience
Retracing the steps of the path walked by others bigger and better out for what they can?
So Naive... So Predetermined

Ive given up fighting fair, sticking to just fighting,
The streets have never seemed so clean, all my teeth and none of my mind
Love me but always leave me.

Trying to build mental health on a series of lies and mistakes, but all come from the black and twisted heart.
Let me destroy you just to make me better.
Laughing at car crashes and breaking borrowed glasses,
Not out of spite. out of necessity.
If i could remember the nights I'd stop coming.
Counting friends on fingers and enemies with Tally's.
Boo it up, you only wish you were me.
watch your back, I'm armed.

How the hell does lipstick make it on to collars?

Crave my Chaos
I Love you, Make me worse to make me better and hold my hand as we jump of the edge and hit rock bottom. Kiss my bruises and then give me some more.
Drink my blood and I'll live forever.
Black eyes go with this dress.


Someoneshouldsaveme

Stop living in your head, and get real kid....

Nothing seems right today, i just want it to rain.
i cant deal with all of this drama it gets to me, just like this city.
im not cut out to deal with this forever.
The friends i have are amazing but im missing something and I've realised what it is
i miss having that really close relationship that i had with our kid, shes like my soul sister
and currently i need that just to remind me to stay grounded.
currently i feel like im wasting myself on people who don't deserve me or maybe its just this little
patch
of
concrete
thats making me
stir
crazy.
I wanna run away, nobody understands how much i need to be alone these days but alone in my own way, social situations mean i have to waste effort on people i cant stand
amd we all know who that means.
YOU, i fell out of love at 80 mph, ive got the scars to prove it

Birds can Fly So High....

Its happening all over again...Here's Some Proof. I wrote this a Year ago Today.
I'm apologising for it already I haven't read it all yet.
06-12-2006

"wow i went mad last night the s&i is like wow i love it it hurts a little bit but its just fun n the way the hole look is wow and then it goes numb and i cut n i went deep like my deepest yet n now the burns are bruises n the ones with cuts r fucking killing n I'm limping n shit wow its scary n i fink mums gonna notice but i know she wont i was looking at my arm yesterday it was really fatty n gooey n still bleeding a bit it mite need stitches but its too late for it now n tonight i will find a nu method or place or just try n go as deep as i can n see wot happens but I'm still using the same blade i was using 2 days ago its so sharp n its not even a little bit blunt yet i love These blades but i am running out of micro pore n i may have 2 run 2 superdrugs 4 sum in a quick bit soo yea im jus lookin 4 a nu meth but i gotta be well careful bout infection n dat but atm ive gt 5 burns 4 with cuts 1 with out n den da arm so im not 2 bad im jus walkin like an old dude!!!! my legs r lookin off key but still ......arghhhhh SHES HYPER AS A BITCH
ok so do i cut toda wid all the pain im in but i wanna cut everyday for a week jus this week 2 prove im not as lazy as i fink mummy spoke 2 Miss g 2day bout y i wasn't in n dat she want 2 kno if i wanna do my exams in a nuva room but im not sure maybe i do but im overly unsure
i dnt fink cai is speakin 2 me but fuck dem i dont need no1 im fab n ok as i am she says before she rips in2 her skin with her blade will wb bout exam and ect lollll"

Reading it made me think i was losing it then but yet i still managed to hold it all together some how... I know that it always gets better but then again what if this time it wont....

Last year when i got sick i just cut everyone off and this time i might have to do it again, i havent killed myself yet no matter how mental i sounded...reading it now made me think MANIC
I was 15..but...now im 16 and it makes no difference, ive grown up but yet i dont want to at all.
Im still cutting but so what, to me it makes no difference.
I Knew i wasnt okay...but now im even less so but maybe im better then i was...
Im as alone now as i was then...My friends are Suffocating me i need to run away and be free
I Love them but its me...so i dont know why i feel guilty about it.
Ive had the cuts that i talked about for a year but now their scars Big ugly and horrific...I love them, they calm me down when i need it like now.
I cant stay on this computer tonight no matter how much i want to...

(Ive trig warned this for my own benefit)

What we have here is a dreamer

Dear Santa,
This year for Christmas i want to slow it all down so i can watch it pass me by.
i want higher serotonin levels and to be taken seriously by someone who truly matters
what i want doesnt matter but what i need is in the same boat...an its headed for the rocks
just like everything else.
Santa, why do you insist in puttin me through the same shit as you did last year.
why?
I could feel it coming but what did you expect me to do...
You cant run away from your own head as much as you want to.
I need to be able to close my eyes and have a reason to open them again.
save me? from who? isnt it obvious...Myself


please

"No Name"

Some days songs about the way boys tastes just don't cut it.
Today and everyday after it are all the same and its up to a Hopeless Case to change it.
Maybe she just cant sleep anymore, maybe she just wont eat anymore.
Notice me then run. I don't want to be noticed anymore let me fade for a while.
Sick of being the whore and the Let down.
Do you love me despite my Imperfections which outnumber the perfections or is it because of them??
I'm not sure which is worse. I don't want to be figured out anymore.
I can crash and Burn on my own but then who would spread the word??
I'm still the same person i was a year ago, just less Scared and Scared.
Only the stuff on the outsides changed. I Thought doing that would change the way i looked at the world.
Really it just changed the way the world looked at and judged me.
"!You can only names something your sure about"

It could be worse, I could be taking you there with me.

I might just be getting used to it but im really not sure if a full nights sleep is worth feeling like shit constantly its like im tipsy but not. but that might just be down to not wearing my glasses.
Ive got a really bad pain in my ribs and im being horrific to everyone and i fucking cant stand it.
In was in such a good mood yesterday but now its like im just not. that makes sense and dosent a the same time. sigh
Im giving it time to adjust to me or should that be the other way? Hmm
Im not sure what to do because these AD's arent even for my depression and im feeling worse after two bloody days. Foggy and disorentated are the perfect words to discribe how i feeland not forgetting anti-social.
More cloudy and -4 then sunny and 65 up here right now.

Music is the blood that runs through my veins, cut me open and watch the melodies flow.