I miss my mother.

Another trip to the hospital on my own, noone there to hold my hand and have a laugh with.
Only a stroppy shadow looming upstairs, complaining & commenting upon all.

I can't deal with this today. Off to have my blood stolen then back to bed.




Somedays i just can't breathe without you.

What's on the cards?

Question:
School wise what am I doing? Should I stay at Brentford or should I try and go to college? If I stay will I get any work done or just keep pissing about? If I go will I be happy at college and will it work for me?

----

Row 1: Seems you've recently had a feeling of loneliness lately. You're surrounded by friends and loved ones, but you don't feel they "get" you like they used to do.

Row 2: You're having to do a lot of soul searching at the moment. You're not really unhappy, but more restless right now. Things just don't seem to be going according to plan, and you're really not good with this.

Row 3: You've recently lost someone very close to you; a female that had a huge role in your life. You're coping pretty well, but it's sent you for a loop. Mortality hit you all of a sudden, and you're looking at what you've done up to now and thinking, "This just isn't enough. There has to be more." Only problem is that you aren't sure where to look for inspiration or even a starting point to help sort yourself out.

Row 4: Sometime in the next month or two, an opportunity will be presented to you in the field of design or fine arts. There's a very creative vibe I'm getting, and it seems to be the outlet you're wanting at this juncture. It's not your ideal thing, but it's a start, and you'll gobble it up without too much hesitation.

Row 5 (final row): This one's throwing me a bit. There's like a romantic yet not serious vibe to this row. What I'm getting is that you have a friend who will be a really important person to you in the next few months; but it will go beyond the normal friendship. It's a bit more intimate than that, and yet it's not going to be this huge commitment. You'll be helping one another through some events, good and bad, and just have this great relationship without fear of losing anything from it.
-
It appears to me that it's someone that you already know, but you haven't been intimate before with them. It's more like you already have a decent relationship, but you're being thrown together in a way that allows you both to explore and grow at the same time, making the relationship grow as well.

extreme celebrity rehab

I'm feeling slightly unhinged and vulnerable. I have just learnt that addiction is heredity and then i've just asked Katy if she wants to come on a birthday binge with me.
I've written a shopping list, visa vie my last hurrah. one last dance before i'm officially an adult. I think it'll be fun.
I'm completely aware of what im doing and i'm doing it in style.
part of me feels like ive just scraped off my mask and its odd.
Fuck. well i only asked.

I refuse to let the mental Illness take over.

Well I no longer hear the music..

Is it cruel or kind not to speak my mind,
and to lie to you rather than hurt you?
Well I'll confess all of of my sins
after several large gins
but still I'll hide from you,
hide what's inside from you.

And alarm bells ring
when you say your heart still sings
when you're with me.
Won't you please forgive me?

But I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no

And all the memories of the pubs
and the clubs and the drugs and the tubs
we shared together,
Will stay with me forever.

But all the highs and the lows
and the to's and the fro's,
They left me dizzy,
Oh won't you please forgive me
I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no

Well I no longer hear the music when the lights go out,
Love goes cold in the shades of doubt
The strange fate in my mind is all too clear.
Music when the lights come on
The girl I thought I knew has gone,
And with her my heart had disappeared...

Well I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no
All the memories of the fights and the nights
and the blue lights, all the kites
We flew together,
I thought they'd fly forever.

But all the highs and the lows
and the to's and the fro's
They left me dizzy,
Oh won't you forgive me

But I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no

Music when the lights go out
Love goes cold in the shades of doubt
The strange fate in my mind it's all too clear.

Music when the lights come on
The girl you thought you knew has gone
And With her my heart had disappeared

Well I no longer hear the music
Oh no no no no no
And no longer hear the music

I make myself sick

How many minutes until midnight?

I've gone a bit introspective, unloved & emo(tional)

how many wishes do i still have left to fix the way it ends
how many princes will it take to put a girl like this back together again
how many instances can you point out where i was less than kind
how many happy endings do you need to change your fecking mind
and how much time do we have left before it's midnight and
you see that i was never the right size?

One sentimental summer...

I stopped dreaming of your ghost and you've stopped flashing across my mind at the one time it should be blank
but all of a sudden i've got affection for you again.
Be a cunt and help me to let go.


June. I wish.