a past summer regression gone wrong

Its so fucking dark again, the night and the silence are trying to steal me

max went home, he had one to go to where someone loved him best of all,

Morrissey couldnt because it wasnt his home anymore.

im more of the second then the first.

when blogs crash so do the dams of my writers block and the thoughts come flooding in.

the tides wont stop turning even to catch your tears.

This beds aching for second to fill up the space thats been occupied so many times over

dont let the wind catch you saying anything, come on bathroom girl

pull the curtains and turn on the water, wash the pain off and carry on dreaming

I know this hurts, it was ment to

Freeze it, can it and keep it. its amazing
Buzzy and beautiful
Fuck it, Blind to everything but the exhilaration.
Fuck it
Fuck it
I could live of this feeling, screaming because you know its got to end but hanging on
because you have to ride out every last bump of this ride
Tantric

Im happy but i stole someone elses, cant say fuck them as much as i want to
all my eggs are in one basket but im going vegan anyway

Scoring Skin (Were Just too old for brownie points)

Lumps in a throat real and actual although fleeting, it doesn’t stop the tears from brimming behind tired eyes, make up stains and Glances at the ceiling.
Change is stalking, at every corner and lurking behind the lamppost, the Ripper incarnate skulking in the London fog, sinister clicks; boot heels on the pavement coupled with the resonance of warm breath colliding with the deathly chill of the London streets. Feet hurrying to match hearts beats, trying and failing.
The wind delivers its final rights, flashes of sliver and the taste of metal.
One exact blow meticulously executed, a job half done?
Another coupling this one slightly more distressing the bitter cold of a Knife in your back and the warmth of the blood that trickles from the wound like a brook of pain anguish and hate, all righted with a resounding indifference.
Maybe.

This city is engrained on every move I make. Its in my blood and under my nails.
I’m completely head over heels in love with this big dirty place. Its can take you up so high and leave you down so low it’s amazing and scary. The tourist and the natives, the young and the old.
Being here means I can be myself I can, live here accustomed to all things that make me, me. Taking the girl out of the city is like telling the pope to convert to Islam. It would rip my heart out. I’m too fast for the sleepy eyes towns of south Wales, they keep the lights on all night here. I sleep all day and party all night I don’t sit in parts in kappa tracksuits and drink cider, I drop acid and drink absinth and wake up in the gutter ready to do it all again Baglan park isn’t my future its not even worthy of being my past. This isn’t a pipe dream this is my life. So fuck her, fuck her and her sheep farm and her husband and her perfect little rural life with jazz festivals and off-roading. Id rather live in the real world fuck it. No one who matters lives in Baglan.
My mates, who the fuck am I without them. Tear it up parties and Mini orgies with people who are quite willing to go shopping the next day.


Please dont turn my lights off

PARANOID
as in i think im

A hypodermic needle

Always knew it was possible
slipping through the hands of inevitability
On the part of the Harlot played by one with such role experience
Retracing the steps of the path walked by others bigger and better out for what they can?
So Naive... So Predetermined

Ive given up fighting fair, sticking to just fighting,
The streets have never seemed so clean, all my teeth and none of my mind
Love me but always leave me.

Trying to build mental health on a series of lies and mistakes, but all come from the black and twisted heart.
Let me destroy you just to make me better.
Laughing at car crashes and breaking borrowed glasses,
Not out of spite. out of necessity.
If i could remember the nights I'd stop coming.
Counting friends on fingers and enemies with Tally's.
Boo it up, you only wish you were me.
watch your back, I'm armed.

How the hell does lipstick make it on to collars?

Crave my Chaos
I Love you, Make me worse to make me better and hold my hand as we jump of the edge and hit rock bottom. Kiss my bruises and then give me some more.
Drink my blood and I'll live forever.
Black eyes go with this dress.


Someoneshouldsaveme

Stop living in your head, and get real kid....

Nothing seems right today, i just want it to rain.
i cant deal with all of this drama it gets to me, just like this city.
im not cut out to deal with this forever.
The friends i have are amazing but im missing something and I've realised what it is
i miss having that really close relationship that i had with our kid, shes like my soul sister
and currently i need that just to remind me to stay grounded.
currently i feel like im wasting myself on people who don't deserve me or maybe its just this little
patch
of
concrete
thats making me
stir
crazy.
I wanna run away, nobody understands how much i need to be alone these days but alone in my own way, social situations mean i have to waste effort on people i cant stand
amd we all know who that means.
YOU, i fell out of love at 80 mph, ive got the scars to prove it

Birds can Fly So High....

Its happening all over again...Here's Some Proof. I wrote this a Year ago Today.
I'm apologising for it already I haven't read it all yet.
06-12-2006

"wow i went mad last night the s&i is like wow i love it it hurts a little bit but its just fun n the way the hole look is wow and then it goes numb and i cut n i went deep like my deepest yet n now the burns are bruises n the ones with cuts r fucking killing n I'm limping n shit wow its scary n i fink mums gonna notice but i know she wont i was looking at my arm yesterday it was really fatty n gooey n still bleeding a bit it mite need stitches but its too late for it now n tonight i will find a nu method or place or just try n go as deep as i can n see wot happens but I'm still using the same blade i was using 2 days ago its so sharp n its not even a little bit blunt yet i love These blades but i am running out of micro pore n i may have 2 run 2 superdrugs 4 sum in a quick bit soo yea im jus lookin 4 a nu meth but i gotta be well careful bout infection n dat but atm ive gt 5 burns 4 with cuts 1 with out n den da arm so im not 2 bad im jus walkin like an old dude!!!! my legs r lookin off key but still ......arghhhhh SHES HYPER AS A BITCH
ok so do i cut toda wid all the pain im in but i wanna cut everyday for a week jus this week 2 prove im not as lazy as i fink mummy spoke 2 Miss g 2day bout y i wasn't in n dat she want 2 kno if i wanna do my exams in a nuva room but im not sure maybe i do but im overly unsure
i dnt fink cai is speakin 2 me but fuck dem i dont need no1 im fab n ok as i am she says before she rips in2 her skin with her blade will wb bout exam and ect lollll"

Reading it made me think i was losing it then but yet i still managed to hold it all together some how... I know that it always gets better but then again what if this time it wont....

Last year when i got sick i just cut everyone off and this time i might have to do it again, i havent killed myself yet no matter how mental i sounded...reading it now made me think MANIC
I was 15..but...now im 16 and it makes no difference, ive grown up but yet i dont want to at all.
Im still cutting but so what, to me it makes no difference.
I Knew i wasnt okay...but now im even less so but maybe im better then i was...
Im as alone now as i was then...My friends are Suffocating me i need to run away and be free
I Love them but its me...so i dont know why i feel guilty about it.
Ive had the cuts that i talked about for a year but now their scars Big ugly and horrific...I love them, they calm me down when i need it like now.
I cant stay on this computer tonight no matter how much i want to...

(Ive trig warned this for my own benefit)