The Routine

Putting my hair up and changing my underwear
getting out towels and kits from draws
walking to the bathroom getting bandages
Putting them on the bed and going upstairs
getting out ice and putting it in a glass
getting out the paracetamol and taking 3
Shutting the bedroom door and arranging pillows around the towels
laying out tools and embracing the eerie silence
deep breath here we go...
Rub the ice across my thigh just to get it wet so the salt sticks
applying the salt and pushing the ice down on top of it
Burning, freezing, dying ,numbing, Painless
tracing a finger along the thin line between the two different textures of skin
picking up a razor from where their layed out symmetricaly
is it new? how deep will i cut, how deep can i go before i hit something
the first is always the sweetest chooses a direction and stick with it
hot blood runs over cold skin and down onto the towels
as deep as i can until i cant go an further until the feeling starts to come back
picking up the cleaning kit and the saline solution
cleaning dressing and admiring the gash now holding pride of place just above my knee.
Crawl into bed, feeling satisfied and untouchable
until the pain hits and there's nothing left to do
but ride it out
Crawl out the next day unstable as a baby giraffe you forgot about this bit didn't you
dress around it wonder if you've bled through and consider the fact that you needed stitches
but you ran out of micro-pore and couldn't even butterfly it
This one will keloid, now the case is just healing and hiding
Changing the dressing and pulling off the scabs, back to square one again
Not baths or it wont heal, falling into old habits and thinking up a fitting excuse in case
someone gets to close, shut everyone while you have the chance


Now tell me you dont hurt yourself anymore