Funny how so much pain can inspire so much passion

Every act committed this week has been laced with a pain such as i never thought i would experience again, spasms and jolts of pure toe curling fist clenching blood boiling pain.
switching sides as if its toying with me trying to see how much i can take before i hold my hands up and walk down stark white hallways and tell the judge how much ive been drinking underage and what subs ive poured into the hollowed out emotionless shell im hiding in. my throat feels like ive had a dad size toothbrush down it and not known when to scream when, even if i can see blood and occasionally i gag so bad i think my twisted soul might run out of my mouth as well as the icelollys and self hatred i swallowed earlier.

i want to hold out my arms and scream someone please save me from this fucking pointless existence let me live your life for once let me crawl a mile in your jeans and see if your knees wear out faster then mine. The sun sets and moon rises and i see myself on a road and i walk out and lie down waiting for something to come and put me right and tell me if its my time to shine and face the ultimate liberation. Im no longer satisfied with the mundanity of everyday life, the soft warm and safe routines you fall into fuck them their not worth the bullshit their scrawled in on the hot tarmac that is your fucking pointless suburban existence, tell me please im dying to know do you want to watch tv or do you want to live, i NEED more then anything to run away and live some where hot and dusty where things happen and things dont where i can be alone to think and write and make as much noise as i see fit.
WISHING i had the option to pick up and take off with nothing but time on my hands, instead time mocks me like it always has, reminding me of what i havent done and how many seconds are in the rest of your life. but why dont i just do it then?

I dont want to put on the mask and massage someones ego that became damaged because they didnt get invited to a party i want to fuck off into the distance and come back in 10 years almost black from the sun with a couple of kids in tow and stories that will last a life time; from the rest of the world i want a lover in every port and tale as long as the list of my conquests. Elephants in India and all the rest of it. Happy and Healthy and Free to do what the fuck i want

FREEDOM alludes me nothing can be achieved if im chained to my shallow and false attempt to conform and settle into the spirit drained bullshit that others grow to love, have you ever looked into the eyes of a grown man and asked him if he could pin point the minute he knew his dream had died and been swept up and thrown out like Tuesday's left over pasta that his wife makes every week without fail, he will look down and tell you that he was once like you, young and hungry for sex and adventure and the unattainable but he had to work to cover costs because hes just to sensible to run on nothing, that job turned into a career and 2 years down the line he meets the pasta cooking wife, he is led to believe shes the one because his mother doesnt protest and that fact that he knocked her up might help...then long after the kids have grown up and the pasta cooking wifes dead, some kid with itchy feet and an excuse to run will ask him that very question and do you know what he will say? he'll say; "Its been so long now i cant even remember what my dream was" and thats how he let it die. He forgot to dream, every night when he got home he had so many things to worry about that that amazing limbo between awake and asleep that time thats meant for dreaming was used to ponder his tax return and what colour tie he might wear to the managing directors dinner next Wednesday and who was going to baby sit for he 4 little soon to be disappointments.

The last train from London to brighton leaves at 1am ive missed it by hours but im making a start school is all ive got tethering me to the ground when i so badly want to run, the shackles are scalding into my skin but i know in my heart that soon i can be somewhere i truly want to be not fucking about pretending im happy because i dont have to fight for a remote or pretending im happy that the person i trust more then anyone else in the world is so far away and that im happy with the fact i cant touch her when i need reminding that im real and this world that spins slowly around us only exists in the here and now which is unfortunately where were trapped until people realise that were all going to die we will eternally be forced to Be born and then die.


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