Fuck what i said last night.

Gone up in smoke,
I got the message this morning and it didnt register at all,
Only upon listening back to it did i realise what the fuck it ment.
what did i do, i rang my mother, it didnt even ring....straight to voicemail.
this is how it is.
I ringing the number back i sould stop shaking
then i couldnt stop crying.
now im just empty, and hating everything
im done with stupid mistakes, im done with him. im just THROUGH.
I want the buzz back.
figures are daunting, am i coping NO
need a hug so badly, the clouds are crawling over the optimistc blue sky.
sigh

The sea of Love

Im so happy, like blissfully.
Its making me a bit teary and i cant stop smiling.

Gear shift, im just happy
no reason why or why not.
For once im not feeling shit and im making the most of it.

Currently at this beautiful time ive got wicked friends, some amazing things on the cards,
plans galore, school is ace and everythings good man bar the fact that im sweating buckets.

Spent the night on my own but im not phased by it.

Sea of Love - Cat Power is wicked and so just right.

An Ending fitting for the start....

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Can't-Stand-Me-Now-lyrics-The-Libertines/637BC182AE4943C048256ED4000D6AE0




Call me Carlos but the end is nigh.
sortin it now would be like locking the stable door....

End of and era, just the like boys "She'll never forgive you but she won't let you go"

Im going to give you something of mine,
lets get fucked up together
watch the whore fuck about in the purple sky
Miss me more then a shot to the chest
Its done, calling it off.
One last Hurrah, just to say i let you drag me back to the drop

Im pushing you off, anyone asked you jumped

Tear it out, im dont want it, you wont need it.

Albion, Serves you right to sue, Sylvia, Getting High, What Katy did Next, East of Eden, Lost,
It Don't Bother me, Blackwaterside, Fresh as a sweet sunday, I got a woman, Carnival, Needle of Death, Killamangiro,
I Love you (But your Green),
Pipey Magraw, Beg Steal or Borrow, Arcady, Smashing, Back from the dead, Cyclops, Salome, What a Waster, Death on the Stairs, The Good old days, What Katy did, Dilly Boys, Seven Deadly SINS, France, Tell the King, , Time for Heroes, Albion, The Delaney, CANT STAND ME NOW, Road to Ruin, Dont Look back into the sun,

Dream a little dream of me.


understand, Please.

I want to scratch my faceoff, i want to cry, i need to hurt myself.
I feel cold and empty. i, i just dont know what to write all of a sudden i got this insane rush of death over me. like id been thrown down a well, i couldnt breath for a second now im jsut hollow.
i cant copewith this i dont understant it. im drowning
so hard
i just want to keep typing its helping but not improvinmg fuck fuck fuck
im scared really really. ive only got something to used and thats it. its old and rusty and i'll get an infection but its that or a shard of mirror.
what the fuck is this about. im so scared i need to talk to someone. anyone. my mother.
my doctor. someone who will understand. i want to pull all my skin off my face and scratch stps up my back.
epic massive moodshift
i dont understand whats happening. i hate this. why is it happening.
Im just so scared. i dont know what else to do.

ive taken about 110g of amytrip and burned a bit. now im going to sleep

Out there somewhere a cat cries, the sound is carried up through the window on the breeze

Hazy indulgent days filled with sex, drugs and lust by the bucket full.

alive together in freedom of spirits, languishing in wanderlust, touch and intimate emotionless anguish filled lovemaking. 

between bottles and wrappers, lines and thighs a sharp intake of breath rings out, clear silence among the noise that one moment frozen, like a photograph of sound. 

Warm and beautiful, sticky from debauchery and perfect moments. 

A room full of sounds but still silent. whispered conversations, laughs, moans, tapping, cleaning, clearing, living.

And somewhere in the background a television buzzes with eternal white noise turned down but still audible, a constant droning presence. 

In this space nothing matters, no life nor spirit draining problems "issues" harsh and violent words are irrelevant life is lived as if nothing matters but the present. The here, now and never. 

Smoke rises to the ceiling. Social hang-ups are put to rest. the world tedious as it is, is still. 

Every corner of the room smells like cigarette smoke and desire. fingers traces the length of a girl's spine while she lays with her own hands entangled in the hair of another.  

The number frequently fluctuates, people come and go. manic street preachers. when they cross the threshold they become one with the rest of the inhabitants. the room in itself is a white void that lives and breathes and moves to its own rhythm, everything outside it is finite. 

A boy sits in the corner positioned upon a pillow, his back pressed firmly into the joining walls

a leather bound book is nested in his crossed legs, pen poised between his ink stained fingers.

the nameless boy, the emaciated looking boy. wears worn faded jeans and a deeply thoughtful passionate expression. He gazes at and through the scene that is being played out before him.

and only feet away multiple bodies writhe and groan on a stained, sagging mattress. like the monsters and ghouls that stalked your childhood dreams. 

oblivious and aware of everything else that goes on, a group of people play cards, drinking gin out of jam jars, bottles and antique bone china. A voluptuous girl, no more then eighteen. clad only in a nylon slip; mixed-race limbs covered in self inflicted scars, wanders the room exchanging looks and sharing kisses. giving out parts of herself to anyone who will have them.

taking a drink from another occupant of the room, she joins a circle of laughing individuals discussing nothing and everything. 

 joint in nought but the ideology of keeping going until they burn out. 

The slow atmosphere of the room. time does not hold court here, nor does it weigh on the shoulders and minds of anyone within it. a clock sits stationary on a windowsill, the hands covered in dust; point to three and eleven and always have done. time has no place here.

Light beams down through the opened, un-curtained windows, dust particles filter through the air only sometimes highlighted by the suns rays. everything is given an other worldly glow an untouchable calm. Nothing more natural then concentrated substances.

the floor is littered with all that is imaginable; tea bags, spoons, tin foil, ashtrays full to brimming, a curling manuscript lay's forgotten under a chair, fag packets, plastic bags, a mug in pieces where it came to rest after being propelled against a wall with extreme force, silk scarves fished out of a skip, candles, four bunches of wilted carnations still in the polythene from the 24 hour garage, pot noodles, the television still buzzing, acting as a table occupies a space, resting upon it is a rusting birdcage, its paint peeling as it sits empty and silent, newspapers, an acoustic guitar and all manor of things one could find in a place such as this. freedom is everywhere, in the air, in the glasses, in the spaces between entangled lovers, in the pauses between sentences, and the space that exists between dangling legs and the cold hard wooden floor.

.....

(unfinished)

She Ran and ran and ran, then when she went home, she wished she had kept running

I dont have the energy to write properly
just want to get it all down so i know that it was today.

"My Life is falling apart again. Living with my depressive manipulative unresponsive father is killing me. my mother came up for the weekend it took them all of seconds until they tried to kill eachother. im 4 years old again Their screaming at eachother over my head and i cant say anything. now my father claims hes moving and i can do this shit on my own, and im a lazy cow, whos ruining her life and its all my mothers fault for not bringing me up properly when he was sitting on the other side of london pretending we did not exist. Now my mothers threatening to uproot the kids again just because my Father cant live with me."